there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
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