I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
