If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
