what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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