I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
