oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Randomize
