You just made me feel so damn special
I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
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