I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Randomize
