I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
