this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
