Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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