I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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