did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
He told me they were just razor bumps!
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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