does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Boobs speak an international language.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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