I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I wish you could order shots online.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
