The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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