I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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