Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I need moral support for this bender
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
