somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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