I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Randomize
