Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I'm laying in your front yard are you home
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
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