I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
I will pee on everything he values.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize