i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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