hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
