The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
too bad you live with your parents still
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
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