I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
