I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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