I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
