I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
