Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
