I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
