$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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