Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
