Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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