the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
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