You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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