I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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