just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
