the new term for farting is butt boxing.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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