How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Randomize