everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
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