He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
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