dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize