I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
