who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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