Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
