i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
