I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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