My sheets look like a crime scene.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
