I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
