you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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