why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
