so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
