I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I just gargled with NyQuil
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize