Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE WE ARE TOO FUCKING ELEVATED.
Me either! Fuck yeah, 12th and something. 12th and hamburger stand.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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