It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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