hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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