I accidentally had phone sex last night
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
