I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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