Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
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