I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I lost the right to judge tonight
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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