that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
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