The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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