Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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