I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
