my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
