; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Randomize
