Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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