I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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