At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
