I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
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