you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
