Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
