Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
